141 years in the future, Jodie Foster will have Miley Cyrus’s haircut, wear a white power suit with 1980s shoulder pads, and live at a fancy spa that has its own monorail. Which looks pretty sweet, really. According to the Words on the Screen, there’s no poverty! No war! No sickness! Does this mean we finally get our personal jet packs and flying cars? Man, I want a flying car. Also, tanning beds get rid of cancer instead of causing it! The future is awesome.
But wait! There’s a catch! Jodie Foster doesn’t wear her white suit on Earth. Oh, no. It’s a clever switcheroo! The space spa is really a satellite, or a ship, or a space island owned by Richard Branson, and Earth is a dirty, smoke-covered pile of crap, like one huge Kosovo train station, or many parts of Kentucky. There’s no way in hell Jodie Foster would wear a white suit on that dung-heap of a planet! And even if they do have flying cars down there, you know they get terrible gas mileage, and the back seats are full of half-eaten Subway sandwiches. [click to continue…]
How do nice, caring, loving people like Dawn and Patrick find themselves consuming books of blood by the bucketful? What is it about people like HP Lovecraft and Clive Barker that appeals to them? Is it the same thing that makes the Evil Dead movies so fun – and do those things translate to the latest Evil Dead film? The difference between horror with a purpose and horror just for the horror of it is investigated, as are the problems of sexual assault by forest spirit, and whether giving the “real fans” what they want is a good idea. Also – Dawn considers giving some pirates a taste of their own medicine, and a quick remembrance of Roger Ebert, and how he influenced Dawn to be the kind of writer she is. Join usssss
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Life hasn’t been the greatest lately. Especially since life consists of having no money and being forced to find somewhere to live by the end of the month. Good thing Dawn is a master of escape, and by escape, we mean losing whole days to trying to forget about crappy situations by watching TV and playing video games. You know – like grownups do. And just like grownups, our discussion on time management and distractions gets completely distracted by Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, and dudes in gimp suits and sexy vampires, and poker games and all manner of thing to provide a little respite from all this uncertainty.
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Dawn gets into the defense mechanisms we employ when we realize we’ve put ourselves in a vulnerable place; sometimes through no fault of our own, like our bodies simply getting old and unattractive, or through things that are completely our own fault, like speaking maybe a little-too-frankly in front of people who might not understand what you’re trying to get at. Sometimes we catch ourselves faking it, sometimes we decide to own it and not just own it, but MANAGE it. Because it’s the managing that makes the difference. Secret neuroses (we still have some) are unveiled, and as a cherry on top – you get yet another awesome Patrick Hurley Shopping Adventure!
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A geeky gathering leads Dawn to discuss the ever-awkward art of small talk, and leads Bobby to reconsider why it is alcohol plays such a large role in Portland’s nerdier social circles. Conversations can be sparked up, and they can also burst into angry conflagrations. The kindling for such fires? Deprivation of context, and no middle ground for people to move towards. Dawn and Bobby, no strangers to wielding words like weapons, examine the art of argument, and wonder why it’s become such a zero-sum game full of bloviating idiocy as opposed to anything even remotely resembling an exchange of ideas. Also: Why do you persist in taping concerts with your cellphone? Knock that off. As a matter of fact, Dawn has an idea about how best to blend the cellphone with social gatherings and interpersonal interaction. Listen and learn.
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Bobby may have been a little under the weather last week, but Dawn had the more trying time. Sniffles can’t compare to the prospect of having your home yanked out from under you. It also doesn’t help when the week’s been dominated with contentious arguments about the power of language and the choices people make when they use the words they do. Luckily, this is what pets are for – the comfort and companionship they provide regardless of all the things you failed at over the week. Except we discover that pets only provide those things on their own terms, and they’re just as troubled as we are, in their own ways.
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There is no new show this week (please send your best wishes to the cold/flu-soaked Bobby Roberts) so this seemed to be a fine time to inaugurate a new feature: Dawn’s Half-Assed Movie Reviews!
Please enjoy.
Jack the Giant Slayer (in theaters)
Directed by Bryan Singer (Football Wives), this is a movie about an enormous computer-generated beanstalk that bursts from the ground when the zombie kid from Warm Bodies trades his cow for a fistful of beans and then stupidly drops one through the floorboards of his abusive uncle’s shack. Which makes it sound like the beanstalk is some sort of metaphor for personal freedom in the face of domestic violence but no, it’s just straightforward how-the-hell-do-we-make-a-beanstalk-happen writing.
Zombie Kid ends up climbing the beanstalk to save a generic princess while her dad, King Swearengen, wears awesome gold armor and paces a lot down on the ground. Zombie Kid is joined on his journey by a True Good Paladin (the guy from Moulin Rouge!) and by Julia Child’s husband, who plays Count Rugen from The Princess Bride. At the top of the beanstalk they find themselves in a bunch of cut scenes from video games and have to fight animated giants, some of whom look like Charles Bronson.
One of the classic Scruples questions gets pulled out of the headlines and dropped into our Ham-Fisted laps: Say Dawn and Patrick find an unmarked bag, filled with tens of thousands of dollars. Do you take it, do you turn it in, or is there some sort of combination of both that you can reconcile? There are questions of morality all over today’s show, morality and drugs, and why neurotic people with self-esteem issues are maybe not the best suited to crimey-type endeavors. Especially considering Patrick is like some sort of leather-clad superhero throughout the show.
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An episode that starts out being solely movie-and-politics related ends up veering sharply into what Martin Lawrence would term as things “getting real” by the end. Eric D. Snider, co-host of “Movie B.S.” returns to the show to dig into the pageantry and the poppycock of the Oscars, but then Dawn has some dental problems live on air, and the resultant embarrassment ends up leading to a conversation about mortality, decision-making, and the role your real friends play in bolstering your self-acceptance, even if that role seems counterintuitive at first. Basically, listen to learn how best to bet next weekends Oscar parties, and then listen to learn how best to go softly into that sweet goodnight knowing you are loved and appreciated, even if you don’t feel the greatest about it.
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Dawn is in fine grumpy form for today’s show, and Patrick is right there with her. Dawn has just about had it with people taking their displays of affection and caring, and making them artificial and roided-out for the sake of having something cool to watch on YouTube. Patrick’s just about had it with Comcast, for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who has used their service. Dawn and Patrick BOTH have thoroughly had it with their downstairs neighbors, who led them on a weeklong chase for their half of a utility bill, which led to the appropriation of a bag of Kung Pao Chicken that led to the threat of arrest. It’s fun, exciting times in Dawnville. Come join us!
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